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I called up Bad Boy Babysitters from my cheap hotel on the Pembina Highway and asked them to send over a girl that was “young and pretty.” The lady who answered the phone (sounded like an older lady or, well, maybe just raspy from smoking and hard living) asked what hair color I wanted, what race. I said I wasn’t in the mood for a black girl. Black girls are fine, when I’m in the mood, just didn’t want one right then. She said a girl would be by in half an hour. She called back to confirm the hotel and room and said that just the other night she had trouble getting women by the clerk, that she sent three girls there and the clerk kept sending them back, but tonight she called and the clerk seemed cool, since I had booked the room for myself and a guest.

At that point I asked her what the fee was if the girl showed up and for some reason I didn’t like her. (I never ask this when I first call, just when they call back to confirm. It’s an option I don’t use very often, certainly not when things get going, but once or twice I’ve had a real skank show up and I am very, very polite and sweet and just say that I’m sure she makes many men happy, but she’s just not what I’m looking for…even if I really want to say, well, you look like a crack whore from an alley dressed in nice clothes and makeup like an escort girl. And the lady on the phone said $20 and she was real nice about it.

Well, this girl shows up…I think she said her name was Jessica. Pretty sure that’s what it was. And actually she looked really hot and cute. Definitely not 22 like she claimed to be, more like 29, I’m sure. But something about her just set off my “bitch detector” like a smoke alarm in a dorm full of microwave popcorn addicts. (I call it my “bitchdar” like radar that can detect a bitch) Thing number one, she looked almost EXACTLY like the bitchy prosecutor woman on that television show THE PRACTICE; Laura Flynn Boyle I think is the name of the actress. Thing number two, and this is the big thing, she had her body all covered up in a sort of long fur coat, arms and everything, but the one piece of flesh I could see besides her face…had a tattoo…a HOME MADE or perhaps, well, jail made tattoo of a black triangle.

And you know what? I don’t mind a girl with tattoos unless she’s just WEIRD and FULL OF THEM like a human wall of graffiti. But I have a rule that I will not do a bitch with homemade tattoos because the first thing I think is hepatitis, AIDS, you know. And maybe it’s not a fair rule but it’s my rule. So she had two strikes. Something about her just said “bitch” and she had that prison tattoo. So I told her, you know, sorry…and said she didn’t seem twenty-two, or, well, maybe she was just “mature for her age” (I mean, can you picture this…I’m talking to this WHORE who says she’s twenty-two and I say she seems “mature for her age.”)

Well, long story short the bitch threw a fit, yelled, stomped over to the phone and said she was going to call the agency, but this was all AFTER she demanded $50 and I said, hey, no way, the lady at the agency said $20 and, at that point, I had already handed her the twenty. This is a licensed agency and if I knew where to file a complaint I might, but I see writing a review as more effective. I can’t say if it would have been a rip off or what, but I do know she was trying to rip me off on the $20 ride fee versus the $50 she swore, up and down, was how much it was supposed to be. Maybe the agency is good, maybe the girl would have been a great fuck (or a total rip off) but all I have to go on is that she was, as I suspected, a complete and total bitch and she did try to rip me off to the tune of a mere $30.

I do have a philosophy I will share with you which is this…if an agency rips me off, (the girl won’t do me for any reasonable amount of money, that’s what I call a rip off) I make a point of calling them another night and sending a girl back no matter how good she looks. I call it, “If I don’t come for no good reason, then you will come for no good reason.” But I am never rude or demeaning. Even when Jessica was throwing a bitch fit I said, “I am not being angry with you, or yelling at you, so you don’t need to do that to me.” To which she responded, “WHY DID YOU MAKE ME COME OUT HERE FOR NO GOOD REASON?”

Think about it. This is our market. We have to take control of our market. If an agency is ripping people off, not giving us what we want, then we have to take control of that market and take affirmative steps. But the good agencies, we have to tell each other they are good. As far as I’m concerned, the bitches and the diseased girls can get out of the agencies and walk the streets, when I call up an agency I want a girl who is soft, polite, yielding, gives me what I want…and doesn’t look like she has, in the past, shared a filthy needle with god knows who.

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