This report chronicles the adventures of three horny males (El Gordo, Akira and Mr. Deviant) from The US, to Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.
When El Gordo flies for 20 hours from San Francisco to “The River of January”, he needs all of the leg and ass room he can get. He also needs unlimited access to strong alcoholic beverages and palatable food. El Gordo didn’t become El Gordo by eating and drinking cheap crap.
Unfortunately, El Gordo can’t afford to fly anything but coach. And on 20+ hour flights, coach really sucks.
However, if you’ve got a good friend who has too many frequent flyer miles, like my international business traveling companion Akira, El Gordo suggests inviting him along and proffering this deal:
El Gordo: Dude, there’s no way I am cramming my fat ass into coach for 20 hours.
Akira: Okay, well pay me the cash equivalent of a coach ticket and I’ll use miles to buy you a business class ticket.
El Gordo: You cheap bastard! Why don’t you just give me the miles, you have more than you can ever use anyways. Besides, selling frequent flyer miles is against airline policy.
Akira: Suit yourself then. Enjoy coach.
El Gordo: Sneaky Devil! Alright then, here’s your damned money!
It worked for El Gordo, and it could work for you too.
El Gordo and Akira boarded their flight on San Francisco and strapped themselves in for the long haul ahead. The first stop would be a 2 hour layover in Miami, followed by a direct flight to Rio.
Akira checked the financial pages and saw that the Brazilian currency, the Real (pronounced hee-al) was trading against the dollar at 3.6 Real to $1USD. This would bode very well for discount minded sleaze mongers such as ourselves.
El Gordo, in a vain attempt to sleep on an airplane, downed some valium and gin and tonics. This had the unfortunate effect of slowing El Gordo down, but not putting him out of his misery. Akira spent the rest of the flight watching El Gordo spill food and drinks all over his shirt at mealtime and laughing hysterically at him. Bad Akira!
Upon arrival at the Rio airport (GIG) and after clearing customs, we came face to face with 5 kiosks filled with barkers for taxi cab companies. There are two different kinds of cabs in Rio; Radio cabs, and street cabs. The radio cabs are literally twice the price of the street cabs. Guess which ones are hawking themselves next to customs? Right-o! Our radio taxi from GIG to Rio Othon. cost $R47. Whereas our friend, Mr. Deviant, took a yellow cab to the same hotel for $R25. Avoid the barkers who try to “help you” as their “help” effectively doubles the price.
Mr. Deviant believes that when visiting developing nations with the sole purpose of fucking their young women, there’s no reason to skimp on food, booze and luxurious accommodations. He found The Othon Palace which is billed at www.brazil.com as a 5 star hotel. While it is indeed clean and comfortable and the service is good, it is by no means a 5 star by US/European standards. It is older and somewhat threadbare. Still, we had a room with 3 twin sized beds and a bathroom with good water pressure – overlooking the beach from the 12th floor, for $150USD/night – $50 bucks per night.
Akira and I took a Siesta, but our constantly horny friend Mr. Deviant immediately went to one of the Thermas, L’uomo www.luomo.com.br .
A Therma is a combination health spa/disco/bar/whorehouses, and they are the reason you are reading this report right now. The Thermas all operate in a similar fashion. Here’s the drill:
o You check in with the front desk and are handed a locker room key.
o You then change out of your street clothes and in to a fluffy bathrobe, slippers, and your underwear.
o You then take a sauna and or steam room if you so desire, and then take a long shower (they call it a douche).
o Do your hair, brush your teeth, shave, whatever (they supply most everything) and head upstairs to the disco/bar.
o Here you grab a drink (billed to your locker #) and begin scouting the female situation. On a Friday night at 8PM, there will be tons of girls hanging out and dancing in the bar . They are very aggressive and will grab your ass, nipples and cock and try to get you to take them upstairs. Feel free to grab some tit and ass too. Hanging out and flirting is half the fun. Buy a girl a drink and let her teach you some Portugese. When you’re ready to rumble, go upstairs.
o Drinks and food are priced reasonably. There is also no difference in price if you buy for the ladies (not true at Centaurus, where they charge more for her drink)
o Sessions are billed at 40 minutes or an hour ($R150 for 40 minutes/$R200 for I hour), and charged to your account. There is also an entrance fee of $R40 to get in the front door. Drinks are also added to your tab. No cash is ever needed while in the Therma.
L’uomo is a little hard to find the first time. In Mr Deviant’s words, “Its kind of hard to find as it is in a shopping mall and I wound up walking up and down the same street corner several times before I figured it out but once inside I was glad I’d taken the time. This place is fucking awesome.
Mr. Deviant returned to the room a few hours later to report to us that his “date”, Monica, at one point pulled his cock out of her pussy and offered her ass, basically insisting on anal! He said that the selection was top notch and that the attitude of the girls seemed really great.
We all three were very hungry by now and headed next door to the “Mai Pateca” International Café. To our surprise and amusement, the café is filled with and surrounded by hookers. All shapes and sizes. Overall they are a much poorer quality than what you’ll find in the Thermas, but the prices seem to be lower. We overheard one guy negotiate R45 for some company.
The heat and humidity in Rio is quite oppressive, even at night. We ordered beers and had some calamari. We also started drinking the official cocktail of Brazil, the Caipirinha http://www.maria-brazil.org/caipirinha.htm .
Dinner was fine. Nothing special really, but we enjoyed drinking and watching the hookers all around us. Akira, still jetlagged from his previous travels that week, decided to call it an early night.
Mr. Deviant insisted that I join him at L’uomo for round 2, which I did. I fucked a cute 5’5 20 YO brunette named Veronica, and Mr. Deviant did two more girls named Susie and Carla. Mr Deviant thought Carla looked a bit like Guess and Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima. Obviously the names are fake and the staff changes, but we were all really impressed with the beauty and with the great attitude of these girls. They seem to enjoy what they are doing and can really be lots of fun both in and out of the bed.
At this point you might be skeptical about Mr. Deviant’s sexual prowess. I don’t blame you. It’s kind of hard to believe anybody could crave sex so often and come 3 times in a day after traveling for so long. Know now, gentle reader, that Mr. Deviant is a recreational user/abuser of Viagra. He eats about ¼ of a tablet and walks around pitching a tent for 12 hours at a time.
By the second morning we decided to find an ATM and get some cash. We were trying to limit our carrying around money because we had heard that there was a lot of crime in Rio. We felt that while there was certainly a reason for concern, the feeling wasn’t really all that different than any other major city in the world.
We learned that in Brazil, not all ATM’s are created equal. More to the point, not all ATM’s will accept your American (US) ATM cards. We found many ATM’s that had Plus and Interlink symbols on them, but that refused our Plus and Interlink cards, complaining that the Cirrus network was not available.
In the end we only found one bank that would work, the Banco De Brasil. Even in this bank, there were only 2 or 3 out of 10 ATM’s that had Cirrus logos on them. Also, be aware that not all ATM’s are available 24 hours. And also be aware that they often run out of money and you might have to wait for a refill. It happened to us twice! Don’t panic if you run low on cash as almost all decent restaurants as well as the thermas will accept credit cards.
Having not yet visited the actual beach, we decided to go for a walk beachside. It was VERY hot out, easily 110F. Coconuts, called Cocos’s, cost $R1.00 at the kiosks in front of the beach. They take a small machete to the top of a coconut and drop in a couple of straws – viola! It’s not as refreshing as something ice cold, but it is kind of fun in a Gilligan’s Island sort of way.
A siesta back at the hotel room as in order. After snoozing for a couple of hours, Mr. deviant was the first to rise, and of course, headed straight out to the Monte carlo. El Gordo awoke an hour and a half later and joined him while our Japanese cabin boy Akira chose to continue siesta and guard our valuables in the room. I met our Croatian friend outside and he took me in. Banged liliana, looks 14 mr deviant banged
Some chick who he claims possesses special pussy tightening skills that made her the tightest fuck ever.
We hooked up with Akira and went to another Brazilian BBQ. This one was called carretao – prices were the same as last night, but the quality and serviced were much higher. We had fantastic waiters and Maitre’d who made sure our experience was excellent. All of the BBQ was similar, but better meat. We had caiperana, beers, water, after dinner port wine and cognac….. $R102 with tip. I love Rio!!!
El Gordo wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to smoke some real Cuban cigars, and found a little cafe next to our hotel called Havana. We picked up some good robusto cigars for $R10 each… I have no idea of the brand but they were very good for the price.
Our next stop was a little café right outside of the Help Disco. We enjoyed some more caiperana and we watched some amazing talent walking into that place. We were all in a meat alcohol coma and called it a night.
On Saturday morning MR. Deviant went to Ipanema beach to do some exploring, while El Gordo and Akira chose to sleep in until the afternoon.
The three of us Went to L’uomo and spent a couple of hours with the girls. I found Susy from two days before and spent 40 minutes and multiple positions with her. Mr. Deviant did a little number with braces (Lucila) and long blond hair. Akira found a tall dirty blonde with long hair in a ponytail, looked kind of like xxx. Mr. Deviant has concluded that many of the girls don’t mind being photographed and we will try to do so in the next couple of days.
Here’s the super ritzy part of the trip – We had dinner at Madonna’s (okay, like anybody gives a shit) favorite Italian seafood restaurant, Satyricon. It was very upscale, very fresh and had great food and service. This was the only true gourmet meal we had on our trip. In San Francisco this would easily have cost $USD 75 each. Dinner for 3 of us was $R410, which is very expensive by Rio standards, but still comes to $40USD each for gourmet seafood, cocktails, wine and dessert.
We came back to Copacabana and did some souvenir and art shopping. Mr. Deviant Got a nice oil painting of a naked girl (of course) for $R80, we bought some beautiful maps carved on leather for $R220 and some knickknacks like Brazilian drums and shellacked piranha fish for the folks back home.
Then on to the infamous “Help” Disco. Mr. Deviant picked up a con artist who was humorous and helpful enough for us to buy him a couple of drinks and admission. He was pretty insistent on “helping” us with hotels should we choose to party with any of the girls. We thought he might be kind of shady and looking to roll a foreigner, so we politely refused his service.
The Help disco itself is a sight to behold. The dance floor is huge, there’s 2 levels and 2 bars. The bartenders don’t take your money from you. Instead, you go to a kiosk and buy a ticket for the kind of drink you desire, then present that ticket to the bartender. There’s enough disco lights whirring around in there to keep you motivated and the sound system is excellent.
The female talent is also extraordinary and mostly all for sale. This is a mixture of pros and amateurs. Again, they’re very aggressive and there’s many chances for a nice cheap feel here and there.
Mr. Deviant decided to party with 2 tall blondes from the dance floor. Tatiana was 24 and Juliana was 27. Both were about 5’9, tight bodies, long blonde hair, nice faces. Mr. Deviant negotiated to party with the two of them together for $200USD. He found a hotel for $R110 and came once in each of his dates. These girls only worked at Help on Friday and Saturday nights. This may be fairly common so go to Help on weekends to find the best talent. Mr. Deviant noted that the girls did not do each other and will negotiate this up front next time! Poor Mr. Deviant….
The following morning Akira and El Gordo had tickets to see the soccer playoffs between Rio De Janeiro and Sao Paulo. We booked our trip with the kiosk in the hotel. $R60 each included tickets to the game, round trip transport and a guide. Our guide, Miguel, spoke no English… so pidgin Portuguese and High School Spanish had to suffice. The game was awesome. The crowds were insane. People actually attacked the opposing team’s bus as it arrived at the stadium. People were lighting bottle rockets out of the windows of their cars. There must have been 10000 people tailgating in the parking lot alone!
Meanwhile, Mr. Deviant took the morning easy and did some people watching. It was 45 C in Rio and difficult to be motivated to do much in that heat.
After the game we returned to our room to freshen up and Mr. Deviant and El Gordo went back to Luomo. We each did a different girl. I had a 20 year old blonde with a sweet face and firm ass. Great attitude! She loved doggy style and an occasional good smack on the ass!. Mr. Deviant took some pictures of his girl (carol)…otherwise it was the usual experience.
We dined at a place called Cara crab something… strangely they don’t have much crab on the menu, just some deep fried appetizers. We did eat a delicious seafood stew called Moqueca which came in a thick broth and had huge pieces of shrimp, lobster, sea bass, octopus and squid. Served with white rice…. Delicious! Dinner for 3 with dark beers and caiperana was $R280.
Then it was a short wobble back to the room for an early (11:30PM) night – tomorrow we tour Rio.
The following morning, El Gordo suffered an accident in the bathroom. He cut his balls while shaving! Let me explain:
El Gordo believes that a woman really appreciates a set of freshly schorn balls. A woman appreciates that you took the time to make sure she doesn’t spend her valuable spare time flossing with his unkempt pubes. She’s more likely to take the entire nutbag in her mouth and generally spend more time down there if you make it nice for her.
Unfortunately, this particular morning, El Gordo got a little too careless with his Mach III razor and had to spend some extra time holding toilet paper against the self-inflicted wound on his nutbag.
Breakfast followed the personal hygiene fiasco at My Pateica. There were only a few working girls at that hour and the mood was decidedly quiet. We had steak, egg and cheese sandwiches which were okay, and at Noon we began our tourist sightseeing.
First we visited Sugar Loaf. Sugar Loaf is basically two huge mountains which afford a view of Rio from the highest point available. There’s an arial tram which takes you from the base station to the lower part of the mountain, and then another that takes you from there to the top. It’s much colder and windier in the heights than it is on the beach, by a good 30 degrees F or so. A nice break from the heat and humidity, and a beautiful view to enjoy..
Our driver than took us through the Tijuca National Forest, en route to Corcovado. The rainforest was pretty but it wasn’t the Amazonian experience we had expected. We did not see any exotic animals or birds. The forest’s claim to fame is that it had been turned from a forest into a coffee plantation in the latte 1800’s and has since been returned to a natural preserve…pretty but nothing extraordinary.
Corcovado, the tall statue of Christ which watches over Rio, was fogged in! Yes, Jesus couldn’t see past the clouds to all of the sin below him. Quick, let’s do something bad while he’s not watching! The fog was so thick that we could only get small glimpses the statue as the clouds went by. I took a picture of myself posing like the Corcovado statue to share with everybody back home.
As with the soccer game, we used a private car and driver for the day. This is far superior to a bus tour and not at all expensive by US standards, about $40USD each.
Following the day’s sightseeing, El Gordo and Akira were out of commission for awhile and took a nap. However Mr. Deviant went to Monte Carlo and found a tall dancing girl, Alicia, who at only 20 years old could shake her ass oh so perfectly.
Mr. Deviant met up with us back at the room for dinner. We had planned to hit the strip clubs (boites) on Via Princessa Isabel, and grab dinner first at Mab’s. Unfortunately nature intervened…
But first, a note about taxicabs in Rio. We made the mistake this time of getting into a situation where the driver quoted us a price to our destination and did not use the meter. This was a rip-off and we vowed never again. It’s not the money, it’s the principle. He ended up charging more than 2 times what the meter would have read. The next time this situation happened we threatened to exit the can and the meter went on. Fucking magic!
But I digress. Food at Mab’s was excellent. El Gordo highly recommends the crab appetizer which is like a huge crab cake served in an open clam shell. We also had some interesting dishes including a hunter’s stew with goat (tastes like lamb) and some seafood and chicken. We dined outside on the patio and felt the cool evening breeze turn into a light rain, then a shower, then a full on lightening storm with fast winds. Needless to say we got soaked! We finished our drinks inside, paid and sloshed our way to a cab and then home for the night. So much for the strip clubs <sigh>.
Tuesday morning, and day six of our trip. Mr. Deviant suggested we visit a juice bar, (juices are called succos) for breakfast. The juice bar serves many fresh squeezed tropical juices, such as xxx and xxx, along with pineapple, mango, orange, etc. They also serve basic sandwiches, burgers, etc. The food and drinks are really good and really cheap. I had 2 juices: pineapple and acerola (cherry), and a pretty good cheeseburger (beats McDonald’s any day) for $R10. Akira and Mr. Deviant had similar meals. I love the juice bars and they will be our breakfast for the rest of trip.
After brunch we did some shopping for Cuban cigars, booze and incidentals, and then came back to the room to drop off Akira so that he could get some work done.
El Gordo and Mr. Deviant headed to the Centaurus Therma at 4:00 in the afternoon. Centaurus is more expensive than the other thermas, and you pay up front $R290 for your 40 minutes with a girl and admission. Drinks and food are extra and charged separately upon your exit.
The moment you enter the club a girl will try to latch onto you and accompany you to the locker room to help you get undressed and into your robe. Ditch her. It’s an attempt at a hard sell. There’s 85 girls on staff and you should take your time and pick the one you want.
El Gordo was not happy with the quality of the talent in the disco and decided to take a sauna and a shower. Mr. Deviant stayed in the disco and bided his time. The price at this therma is high and we expected the quality of the girls to be reflected. What we saw upon entry was not the “A” team.
Fortunately about an hour later the better talent arrived. I won’t say that they were better than the girls at L’Uomo, but at least there were some stars in the lineup
The Facilities were the best kept and had the most to offer of the three thermas we visited. However, that alone wasn’t worth the additional price, IMHO.
Ultimately I banged Kate, a 22 year old, slender, willowy, dark haired lass with tiny tits and a magnificent ass. Kate said that she was studying to be a Judge some day. I offered to show her my briefs, but the joke was lost on her ‘-)
Mr. Deviant had taken some vitamin V and decided to go for a double feature. His first girl Monica was a fresh faced 18 YO cutie, who has learned passable English after 4 months as an employee – all from her customers! Pretty good. She’s studying law also, BTW.
Less than an hour later, Mr. Deviant was back in the game with a hot tall blonde named Lillian. Lillian spent time ministering to Mr. Deviant’s little friend and drinking her Smirnoff Ices (she drank 4 of them). Then it was off to the room for more boom boom.
One interesting side note: we found that the girls at all of the thermas really have a thing for Smirnoff Ice and for Red Bull drinks. I have no idea why. I guess part of it is that they are so expensive for native Brazilians to buy. Go figure!
After the spa, we visited a local supermarket to pick up some bottled water and other goodies, and found many familiar brands on the shelves. Don’t bother packing over the counter medicines or drinks. They have pretty much anything you could want for sale in the markets. We also spotted some truly strange tropical fruits and some great looking meats and sausages. You can’t take them home with you, but you can enjoy the fruit and nuts there.
We met up with Akira at Case De Fejoda for dinner. . It is in walking distance of Centaurus. This place serves the traditional Brazilian dish, which is basically a meat stew over rice and black beans. It’s quite tasty. Dinner for 3 with cocktails and appetizers was $R130. This is definitely a tourist spot and while the food was good and the portions huge, we all agreed that we’d prefer a good churascaria any day.
The late part of the evening was spent watching the “help” going into Help and doing some souvenir shopping. We picked up, among other things, some shellacked and mounted piranha fish (R20), and some beautiful bird statues hand carved out of colorful stones (R16). We retired to our room for some television (The Simpsons dubbed in Portugese) and sleep. Tomorrow we go shopping at the mall.
Wednesday started with juices and cheeseburgers at the sucos bar again. We went to the bank to pull out more cash. It appears that at least one day a week there is a special line for seniors, pregnant mothers, etc. Today we ended up in the wrong line! God, I love banking in this country!
We took a cab to the shopping mall Rio Sul, 4 stories of basically every US mall you’ve ever been to, with a few exceptions:
1) All of the clothing stores have hot young girls who follow you around, show you clothes, and try to sell them to you.
2) All of the female mannequins have nipples, some puffys, and all of the male mannequins have huge packages in front!
The prices for some of the clothes are good, although beware of the quality of some and also look for fakes. The other prices when converted from Reals to USD are no better than retail in the US.
There is no shortage of hot hot hot sales girls all over the mall. Mr. Deviant feels that it’s worth the trip just for the free show.
After the mall we caught a beer at the hotel and a snack. Mr. Deviant did his usual ¼ of a Viagra and we proceeded to the thermas….
Today we went back to Monte Carlo. Mr. Deviant, El Gordo and Akira all attended…and today we brought along El Gordo’s digital camera!
Mr. Devaint had previous gotten the okay from management to bring a camera into the crib with a girl, as long as she was okay with it. Surprisingly, many of them are fine with it, and even enjoy posing for the camera!
El Gordo was the first to choose a date for the afternoon, a 25 year old thin brunette named Susie. Susie got El Gordo’s attention at the bar by grinding her ass into his crotch until he got hard, and then grabbing his hardon with her ass cheeks! Needless to say, El Gordo was impressed! Susie was very happy to pose in her little lingerie and did plenty of playboy style poses. She then announced no more pictures and put El Gordo’s cock into her mouth! Needless to say, the rest of the 40 minutes was spent doing the nasty in several positions until The El Gordo Load was unleashed!
El Gordo returned to the disco to find both of his friends gone. Akira had gone for a sauna, while Mr. Deviant had bedded a young lady named Joyce. Somehow Mr. Deviant misunderstood that she was into having her picture taken, and he did not wait for the camera. She was disappointed that there was no photo shoot happening! Mr. Deviant sez to think of her as the insanely cute girl next door type, with a perfect 19 year old body!
All 3 guys met back up in the disco and Akira decided to take a swing with Joyce and he brought the camera along with him. He got lots of good pix and reported an excellent time with her.
Mr. Deviant, being the Viagra freak that he is, decided to bed another young lady while Akira was doing his thing. Mr Deviant’s girl, Ludmilla, had German and Italian parents and was as Caucasian as anyone from Europe. There’s always an interesting mix of girls who run the gamut from white to African/Indian. El Gordo decided to go for a professional massage to pass the time.
After returning to the disco, Mr. Deviant talked with Joyce about doing a threesome lesbian party the next day, and they set a time to do so.
The Therma owner approached us upon our exit and wanted to make sure we had a good time. He offered to let us keep our luggage at the club on our final day if we wanted to party before leaving for the airport! Try getting this kind of service anyplace else in the world.
Dinner was once again at our favorite churascaria, and our favorite waiters remembered us from the previous evening. We got even better service than before, and dinner for 3 with drinks and dessert was $R90!
Thursday morning started once again at the juice bar, followed by a trip to the bank to recharge. I decided to see about getting my hands on some valiums for the trip home. I had hoped that they could be purchased OTC without a prescription, but to no avail. However, the pharmacy hooked me up with a cool doctor who spoke English and I got a prescription. Valiums cost $USD10 for 60 tabs.
Mr. Deviant, sensing his whoring time rapidly coming to a close, left for the Therma at 2:3o. it opens at 3, so I am sure he was in before most of the girls even showed up! He planned to spend the entire day there.
Akira and I met up and went to Ipanema beach to buy Cuban cigars and liquor. We also did some more Also did souvenier shopping for piranhas, rock sculptures, shot glasses, etc.
We met with Mr. Deviant at 8pm, and decided to have a little fun with him. El Gordo waited behind for about half an hour, and Akira told him that El Gordo got arrested for trying to buy Valium! 😉 We had him going for a good 20 minutes, then El Gordo arrived and spun a wild tale about being bailed out by the US Consul, etc.
The next 4 hours were spent at the therma. Mr. Deviant and Akira managed to get some more pictures of the girls doing the nasty Mr. Deviant did two 40 minute sessions with Joyce and Mariana, then did another with some chick that El Gordo was too drunk to remember. Akira and I each found a girlfriend for an hour and got our nasty on.
Dinner was at Mab’s. This time we didn’t get rained on 😉 We retired about 2am
Friday was our last day and we needed to maximize therma time. We grabbed breakfast at one of the many restaurants on Avenida Atlantica and took our time smoking cigars and checking out the street talent
When the opening time had arrived we walked to a final session at Monte Carlo. We were the first people in at 3:00 when they unlocked the doors. Mr. Deviant partied with one girl and then headed back to the hotel bell desk and off to the airport.
Akira and I stayed until about 6:30. I lived out a lifelong fantasy and had a threesome with Anna from the previous day and her girlfriend Helena. They got down with some lesbian action with Helena eating out Anna’s pussy while I fucked her from behind. Akira hooked up with his friend Joyce again for a farewell fuck and suck
We stayed around and had drinks with the girls until we had to leave for airport. During this time I managed to teach my new friends some English words. They were particularly interested in body parts. We started out with lips, nose, hair, cheek… then eyes. Anna looked confused, pointed to her ass, and said, “eyes?”?
It took awhile, but I finally got her to see the difference between “eyes” and “ass”. They wanted to know what an anus was called. She asked me this by pointing to her pussy and said “pussy”, then to her anus. I said “ass-hole”. Both girls tried it a couple of times, and then they has mastered it, they began calling each other “asshole” and laughing hysterically.
Regrettably, Akira and I had our own flight to catch, and we bid the girls goodbye and headed for the airport.